Russia Unaware of Irony.

WARNING: This post has been rated 3 face-palms (🤦🤦🤦)

Dostoyevsky is rolling in his grave. Upset that President Obama kicked off new sanctions and purged Russian diplomats from US soil in response to their hacking of the US elections, the Russian Embassy in UK attempted to respond:

Thing is, however, obviously this lame duck isn't so lame if he got an official embassy to troll with contradictory statements in a single tweet.

We call this irony. In Russia, it is called diplomacy.

College Players Skipping Bowl Games?

I read the news this week that a bunch of college football players, who are entering the NFL draft, have elected to skip their respective team's bowl game out of fear of getting injured and therefore lowering their draft status (lower pay contract).

O RLY?

Well in that case, maybe they should also skip the NFL draft combine in case they get injured or otherwise lower their draft status from a low Wonderlic score?

Or maybe they should sit out their entire rookie contract period to avoid the risk of getting injured and losing money on their veteran contract?

College football superstars often flame out in the NFL. To avoid the risk of a lifetime of mockery for becoming the next Vince Young or JaMarcus Russell, maybe they should sit out of football?

In other news, people are staying at home to avoid the risk of anything happening.

The ends do not justify the means.

I frequently tell people that the ends do not justify the means, and I mean it.

When I "cheat" on my diet, I am simply moving the goal posts (the ends) so that I don't have to "re-justify" the means.

I call this the Kobayashi-Maru of logic.

Please note that this is not a mixed metaphor, but a mixed idiom, or midiom.

People Who End Their Sentences With "So..."

Within the last ten years, young people have increasingly ended their sentences with "so...".

Fred: "Are you hungry for lunch?"

Barney: "I had breakfast at 10, so..."

I propose that people ought to help these hapless folks complete their sentences with the tried and true, "...so, suck your toe, all the way to Mexico."

Fred: "Are you hungry for lunch?"

Barney: "I had breakfast at 10, so..." 

Wilma: "...so, suck your toe, all the way to Mexico?"

Leave them dazed and confused.

When Snark Happens

Someone on the internet tried to correct my usage of a word, thinking that I had meant the opposite of my intention. Naturally, I responded with snark:

@LeadingEdge 

There is sublime humor, and then there is the unironically categorized sub-lime. Now, it’s clear from your comment that you belong in the sublime group of humorists, whereas my posts are clearly the sub-lime. 

For instance, upon seeing a rabbit in the wild, I looked down at him and proceeded to inform him that I would forever call him by his proper name, Bear. Seeking to sublime our conversation, Bear insisted that he was a rabbit, to which I responded with the sub-lime retort, “Indeed!” Puzzled and disgruntled, Bear hopped away, never to be seen again. 

I miss Bear, the cotton tail rabbit.

I am, after all, a snark alec.

5 Things You Will Never Hear From Donodus

We are careful not to present base cynicism. Instead, we only offer the highest quality cynicism available today.* Thus, here are five things you will never hear from Donodus, Emperor of America**:

1. "I was wrong."
2. "I am not familiar with this topic to properly answer it."
3. "I do not know."
4. "What do you think?"
5. "I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."***

* -- Availability is limited to stock on hand; no rain checks.

** -- Donald + Commodus = Donodus; America is no longer the "United States" of.

*** -- Apologies to Radiohead. As you know, Donodus is against foreign trade that takes away jobs from Americans, and therefore, we can rightly presume that he has never listened to, nor repeated, the lyrics of a foreign-based music group.